My Life Wrapped Up In Randomness

“There’s a reason we refer to “leaps of faith” - because the decision to consent to any notion of divinity is a mighty jump from the rational over to the unknowable, and I don’t care how diligently scholars of every religion will try to sit you down with their stacks of books and prove to you through scripture that their faith is indeed rational; it isn’t. If faith were rational, it wouldn’t be - by definition - faith. Faith is belief in what you cannot see or prove or touch. Faith is walking face-first and full-speed into the dark. If we truly knew all the answers in advance as to the meaning of life and the nature of God and the destiny of our souls, our belief would not be a leap of faith and it would not be a courageous act of humanity; it would just be… a prudent insurance policy.”

- Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love

Sitting here. Contemplating. I say its unfair. I ask how I’m supposed to have faith without some sort of sign that everything is going to be okay. But, that’s what faith is. Faith is believing and trusting that everything is going to be okay even when you can’t see it.  And I am really, really blind right now.  So, this is my faith being tested.  I have never felt so lost, frustrated and confused. But, I get it now. Still struggling with the idea of it, but finally it has clicked and I’m almost ready to let go of trying to control it.  Almost.

Today was rough.  I found myself face to face with a situation I’ve never dealt with, a sensitive one at that.  I don’t want to go into all the details, but the thing that stood out most to me today was how a stranger could be so rude to another human being in a difficult or sensitive time.  Isn’t that when compassion and grace are to be shown? I feel like I made the best decisions I could as it was unfolding then to only be scolded for them and made to feel wrong and dumb. I understand that it was a scary and sensitive thing to be dealing with, but how dare you yell at someone for doing the right thing regardless of details and timing?

I know that it doesn’t have anything to do with me personally, and I’m sure that person has probably experienced something similar in the past that led them to feel emotionally charged at that moment.  However, I can’t help but feel shaken by the whole thing.  No matter what I tell myself, I somehow end up replaying the situation over and over in my head wondering if he was right.  Understanding his point, I was offended by the delivery and how he completely disregarded my feelings and knowledge of the situation.  I’ve heard people say to be nice to one another because you never know what kind of battles the other person is going through at that time. 

Let this be a lesson that in hard times let compassion and grace take over you when interacting with others.  Everyone handles difficult sitatuations differently and we are all humans easily capable of making mistakes.  Grace is a beautiful thing, and compassion is what can bring people together.

Sara Bareilles “Let The Rain”

“I wish I were pretty
I wish I were brave
If I owned this city
Then I’d make it behave
And if I were fearless
Then I’d speak my truth
And the world would hear this
That’s what I wish I’d do, yeah

If my hands could hold them you’d see
I’d take all these secrets in me
And I’d move and mold them to be
Something I’d set free

I want to darken in the skies
Open the floodgates up
I want to change my mind
I want to be enough
I want the water in my eyes
I want to cry until the end of time

I want to let the rain come down
Make a brand new ground
Let the rain come down
Let the rain come down
Make a brand new ground
Let the rain come down tonight

I hold on to worry so tight
It’s safe in here right next to my heart
Who now shouts at the top of her voice
‘Let me go, let me out, this is not my choice’
And I always felt it before
That the world was filled with much more
Than the drowning soul I’ve learned to be
I just need the rain to remind me

I want to darken in the skies
Open the floodgates up
I want to change my mind
I want to be enough
I want the water in my eyes
I want to cry until the end of time

I want to let the rain come down
Make a brand new ground
Let the rain come down
Let the rain come down
Make a brand new ground
Let the rain come down…”